If you are a shy guy and maybe you even feel some social anxiety, then there is a chance that dating is hard for you. This is probably you, if you are reading this article about dating tips for shy men. Perhaps you haven’t been on a date for months, or maybe years or even longer. Then you are probably feeling frustrated.
Some shy men even feel shame about not being able to find a nice girl to date. Maybe you don’t even care if she is nice, you just want to get to date any girl. This empty feeling just keeps growing inside of you and you hate when your friends, parents or coworkers ask you, “have you met some nice girl?” You just want to scream “PLEAAAASSEE DON’T ASK ME THIS QUESTION”, but you just stay quiet and you answer, “no” and then you try to change the subject.
What are the challenges
As we all know the challenges are many for a shy man, when he’s tired of being lonely and wants to meet a new partner. It doesn’t matter if you are looking for casual dating or a life partner, the challenges are there. The problems are many. If you are shy and unexperienced with women, maybe you don’t even know where to start.
The most common and obvious problem is that shy guys are really nervous around women, when the anxiety is at this level it prevents them from taking the first step. Taking any step for that matter, when talking to a woman they’re interested in they often come a cross as awkward.
If you are both shy and unexperienced perhaps you feel some shame about it and fear that people will see through you how little experience you have. Many shy guys are insecure and have negative thoughts about themselves: “I’m a looser. I will never meet a girl. I’m ugly.”
Mindset – Commitment
To get started with this journey (remember, this is a journey and not an overnight success) you need to commit. The most important mindset is to commit to this journey. You need to commit yourself to succeed with dating and you need to stay committed to this cause.
This is not just a new year’s resolution and please don’t wait for the new year’s eve to start this journey, you can start right now. You need to make the decision that you will do what it takes to improve and succeed with your dating life and never give up. Make this promise to yourself now.
Mindset – limiting beliefs
One common threat many shy guys have, is one’s limiting beliefs and negative self-talk. Self-talk is the voice in your mind while thinking. Self-talk is a normal good process, but becomes a problem when it becomes negative and reinforces some irrational ideas. Ideas, like; “I’m a failure. I’m not worth it. People won’t like me. I’m too short”.
This kind of self-criticism is really not in your favour. It limits you and stops you from living the life you deserve. This kind of conversation with yourself will affect how you behave and feel and it needs to be replaced. The way to deal with negative self-talk is to first recognize it.
Start by noticing when you are beating yourself up and start to replace it with some positive ones. Start by noticing the positive things about yourself. If you are unable to find them, then you need to work harder on this. Everybody has positive traits and you have to take the effort to finding them. For instance, if the negative voice in your head is telling you; “I’m an idiot”, you could change it to: “I’m good at many things and I like myself”.
Limiting beliefs is what you in reality think is not in possible for you. Things that you think you can’t be, do or have. Often due to a perceived inadequacy in your personality, your looks or something else about your life. A negative belief could be like this; “Girls don’t like me because I am short”. For some reason you think like this and believe in it. Maybe some girl told you that she does not like short men and that is enough evidence for you that no girls like you because you are short.
What you need to do here is to reframe the sentence. “Girls don’t like me because I’m short”. With questions that can give you new evidence. For example, you could ask yourself “Has no short men ever had a girl friend?”. Obviously there is many short men in relationship with beautiful girls”. Other reframing question you could ask:
“Does every guy who is short fail at dating women?”
“Has no girl ever liked me, because I am short?”
After asking these questions you will soon see new evidence that, in this case, you being short is not the problem. Of course, this goes for anything, not just for one’s height, you can replace “short” with for example “bald”, “poor”, “unemployed” or whatever.
What to do next
What to do now? Where should I start? Well, it all depends on your life style and what interests you have, but you have to start interacting with people. How does your life look like now? Are you living in a big city, small town or perhaps in the country side? Do you go to places where you can meet new people? If not, that’s where you need to start.
What kind of activities do you do in your spare time? How about taking a new hobby, where you are automatically forced to interacting with new people? Here you have a few examples of such hobbies.
- Improvisation theater, often referred as Improv, it is a kind of comedy theater where what is performed is totally unplanned and unscripted. Everything is created spontaneously by the performer. In an improv course, you will meet new people and you will be forced to interacting and to be spontaneous and creative. This is actually really good training for all shy, introvert men and women for that matter. This will make you more of a social being.
- Theater course, more acting and less improvising,
- Partner dancing, a very social hobby where you automatically interact with women and you learn to dance as well. There are many dance styles to choose among, depending on what kind of music and dance you like. How about trying different styles before choosing one?
- Language course, specially conversational language courses are great for shy men.
- Cooking course, great combination with being social and learning new cooking skills.
- Speed dating event, if you have the courage.
- Meetup groups, join meetup groups that appeal to you. Most larger cities have now days a broad variety of activities including sports, outdoor activities, wine tasting and even dating.
If you are really shy, super shy, and all these activities are too much for you, you still have to do something to become more social, do something easier. Go maybe just to the gym. take a personal training session or participate in yoga classes.
If none of the options above appeal to you, try to find some other activity where you can meet new people and that stimulates your conversational skills. There are so many activities that you can do. Be creative and find one that fits you. If you know a great-one, please tell us about it below in comments.
So why is meeting new people important and how will it help me with dating? Because when you are shy, you need to start practicing your social skills in any possible way to overcome this problem and to have better chances in dating. It is to your favour to have more social skills and to get better you have to practice. there is no other way.
These activities above will make it easier for you to became more social. No amount of theorizing nor reading will make you more social or overcome shyness, you need to practice, so start with baby steps.
Lets review what we have learned in this article. First we talked about the importance of you making the decision that you are going to do what it takes to improve your dating life, to commit to this cause and never give up. We also talked about negative self-talk, limiting beliefs and how important it is to handle these issues and how you can do it.
Then we covered some activities that help you to become more social and to overcome your shyness. This is NOT about getting yourself a party life or turning yourself into some super extrovert outgoing person. It is about improving your social skills, overcoming shyness and helping you with your dating life. Please remember, this is just the start! I will come back with more advice in future articles. This is a journey, not an overnight success!