Dating Tips For Shy Men – How To Get Started

If you are a shy guy and maybe you even feel some social anxiety, then there is a chance that dating is hard for you. This is probably you, if you are reading this article about dating tips for shy men. Perhaps you haven’t been on a date for months, or maybe years or even longer. Then you are probably feeling frustrated.

Some shy men even feel shame about not being able to find a nice girl to date. Maybe you don’t even care if she is nice, you just want to get to date any girl. This empty feeling just keeps growing inside of you and you hate when your friends, parents or coworkers ask you, “have you met some nice girl?” You just want to scream “PLEAAAASSEE DON’T ASK ME THIS QUESTION”, but you just stay quiet and you answer, “no” and then you try to change the subject.

What are the challenges

As we all know the challenges are many for a shy man, when he’s tired of being lonely and wants to meet a new partner. It doesn’t matter if you are looking for casual dating or a life partner, the challenges are there. The problems are many. If you are shy and unexperienced with women, maybe you don’t even know where to start.

The most common and obvious problem is that shy guys are really nervous around women, when the anxiety is at this level it prevents them from taking the first step. Taking any step for that matter, when talking to a woman they’re interested in they often come a cross as awkward.

If you are both shy and unexperienced perhaps you feel some shame about it and fear that people will see through you how little experience you have. Many shy guys are insecure and have negative thoughts about themselves: “I’m a looser. I will never meet a girl. I’m ugly.”

Mindset – Commitment

To get started with this journey (remember, this is a journey and not an overnight success) you need to commit. The most important mindset is to commit to this journey. You need to commit yourself to succeed with dating and you need to stay committed to this cause.

This is not just a new year’s resolution and please don’t wait for the new year’s eve to start this journey, you can start right now. You need to make the decision that you will do what it takes to improve and succeed with your dating life and never give up. Make this promise to yourself now.

Mindset – limiting beliefs

One common threat many shy guys have, is one’s limiting beliefs and negative self-talk. Self-talk is the voice in your mind while thinking. Self-talk is a normal good process, but becomes a problem when it becomes negative and reinforces some irrational ideas. Ideas, like; “I’m a failure. I’m not worth it. People won’t like me. I’m too short”.

This kind of self-criticism is really not in your favour. It limits you and stops you from living the life you deserve. This kind of conversation with yourself will affect how you behave and feel and it needs to be replaced. The way to deal with negative self-talk is to first recognize it.

Start by noticing when you are beating yourself up and start to replace it with some positive ones. Start by noticing the positive things about yourself. If you are unable to find them, then you need to work harder on this. Everybody has positive traits and you have to take the effort to finding them. For instance, if the negative voice in your head is telling you; “I’m an idiot”, you could change it to: “I’m good at many things and I like myself”.

Limiting beliefs is what you in reality think is not in possible for you. Things that you think you can’t be, do or have. Often due to a perceived inadequacy in your personality, your looks or something else about your life. A negative belief could be like this; “Girls don’t like me because I am short”. For some reason you think like this and believe in it. Maybe some girl told you that she does not like short men and that is enough evidence for you that no girls like you because you are short.

What you need to do here is to reframe the sentence. “Girls don’t like me because I’m short”. With questions that can give you new evidence. For example, you could ask yourself “Has no short men ever had a girl friend?”. Obviously there is many short men in relationship with beautiful girls”. Other reframing question you could ask:

“Does every guy who is short fail at dating women?”

“Has no girl ever liked me, because I am short?”

After asking these questions you will soon see new evidence that, in this case, you being short is not the problem. Of course, this goes for anything, not just for one’s height, you can replace “short” with for example “bald”, “poor”, “unemployed” or whatever.

What to do next

What to do now? Where should I start? Well, it all depends on your life style and what interests you have, but you have to start interacting with people. How does your life look like now? Are you living in a big city, small town or perhaps in the country side? Do you go to places where you can meet new people? If not, that’s where you need to start.

What kind of activities do you do in your spare time? How about taking a new hobby, where you are automatically forced to interacting with new people? Here you have a few examples of such hobbies.

  • Improvisation theater, often referred as Improv, it is a kind of comedy theater where what is performed is totally unplanned and unscripted. Everything is created spontaneously by the performer. In an improv course, you will meet new people and you will be forced to interacting and to be spontaneous and creative. This is actually really good training for all shy, introvert men and women for that matter. This will make you more of a social being.
  • Theater course, more acting and less improvising,
  • Partner dancing, a very social hobby where you automatically interact with women and you learn to dance as well. There are many dance styles to choose among, depending on what kind of music and dance you like. How about trying different styles before choosing one?
  • Language course, specially conversational language courses are great for shy men.
  • Cooking course, great combination with being social and learning new cooking skills.
  • Speed dating event, if you have the courage.
  • Meetup groups, join meetup groups that appeal to you. Most larger cities have now days a broad variety of activities including sports, outdoor activities, wine tasting and even dating.

If you are really shy, super shy, and all these activities are too much for you, you still have to do something to become more social, do something easier. Go maybe just to the gym. take a personal training session or participate in yoga classes.

If none of the options above appeal to you, try to find some other activity where you can meet new people and that stimulates your conversational skills. There are so many activities that you can do. Be creative and find one that fits you. If you know a great-one, please tell us about it below in comments.

So why is meeting new people important and how will it help me with dating? Because when you are shy, you need to start practicing your social skills in any possible way to overcome this problem and to have better chances in dating. It is to your favour to have more social skills and to get better you have to practice. there is no other way.

These activities above will make it easier for you to became more social. No amount of theorizing nor reading will make you more social or overcome shyness, you need to practice, so start with baby steps.


Lets review what we have learned in this article. First we talked about the importance of you making the decision that you are going to do what it takes to improve your dating life, to commit to this cause and never give up. We also talked about negative self-talk, limiting beliefs and how important it is to handle these issues and how you can do it.

Then we covered some activities that help you to become more social and to overcome your shyness. This is NOT about getting yourself a party life or turning yourself into some super extrovert outgoing person. It is about improving your social skills, overcoming shyness and helping you with your dating life. Please remember, this is just the start! I will come back with more advice in future articles. This is a journey, not an overnight success!






22 thoughts on “Dating Tips For Shy Men – How To Get Started

  1. I believe everyone at one time or another has experienced being nervous around women. I know I have! I liked your points about creating and maintaining a positive mindset. I am a firm believer in being positive. I liked how you provided a brief summary of your article at the end. Good job.
    I do have one question. What is speed dating?
    Thank you for sharing,

    1. John, sure, everyone has experienced nervousness around women sometime in their life, even men who are not shy.
      Speed dating is an organized event where people have a series of short conversations with potential partners to see if there is any mutual interests or chemistry.

  2. Great post. I thought I would check it out and see if the tips for guys are anything like the tips for girls, and of course most of them are.

    I found a little pamphlet a few years ago on becoming less shy and it was helpful. You have to talk to strangers, like when you are in line buying groceries. Try talking to the least “threatening” person around you, like children and their moms or the elderly. Any random comment will do, like ‘nice day if it doesn’t rain’. The key is to just make a move, even a small one.

    Try to do this whenever you can. As you get more comfortable talking to people, move on to people who are a bit ‘scarier’ like the target age group that you would like to date.

    I know that practicing this helped me a lot, so I hope it helps others.

    1. Great advice Irma, I totally agree with your suggestion about talking to strangers and trying to talk to the least “Threatening” person and as geting more comfortable then moving on to person who are a bit “Scarier”.
      Thank you!

  3. Hi John, great post.
    When you are shy it is so easy to be critical about yourself – your advice on creating and maintaining a positive mindset is so important.
    If I may suggest an activity that can help meet new people it would be ‘walking a dog’ (preferably a friendly one!) people tend to talk to dogs which breaks the ice and takes the attention from you.
    You have a great site, keep up the good work.

    1. Thank you Justin. You suggestion is awesome. Walking a dog, it doesn’t even have to be your own dog, you can help out some friend who has a dog and at same time practice your social skills. That’s great.

  4. I like the ideas for practicing social skills. Another idea is to go for a walk and intentionally greet each person you pass by. It gives you practice with eye-to-eye contact and requires no further investment. It’s just simple hellos to get you comfortable with greeting strangers.

  5. This is a very good article. Although i am married now i remember when when i was shy. It took a long time to get over it but eventually i did. Sometime being shy can work in your favor though if you know how to use it.

  6. Genuine article, cool. Just want to leave a comment in hope that you’ll keep writing more about shyness, to help me and other (emotionally) beautiful people in the world getting along in life with this huge proplem. Lots of love!

  7. Wow what a great post indeed. With me i was an ok guy then my girlfriend of 3 years dumped me because i didn’t have a car and she went back to her ex who had recently bought a car. After this event i started thinking that if i was ever going to get and keep a girl i will need to be financially stable, it has since put a lot of pressure on me because i no longer believe in true love and it is hard for me to tell a girl i like her cos she might ride off in the sunset in another dude’s car.

    1. Hey Tsitso, sorry to hear, I feel your pain.
      Keep in mind that not all women are like that. If this girl valued a car more than
      you as person then is she really worth all that pain? I don’t think so! What will she do next time she meet’s
      a guy with even better car, change boyfriend again.
      There are so many nice women out. So keep on meeting new women till you meet the right one for you.
      There is always the risk to get hurt in love, but that’s not an excuse to give up. And if you had this girlfriend
      for three years, I’m sure you have all the social skills to meet a new girlfriend, a better girlfriend.
      Thank you for the comment.

  8. this reading this article felt like going back in time! you are spot on with the self doubt and choosing to avoid ppl rather than face the problem head on.
    your suggestion are good but for me personally improv would have been a long jump attempt…i would have felt more comfortable if the spot light wasnt on me! any suggestions on how to meet ppl without having the spot light focused? thanks

    1. Tarun, thank you for the comment. Well, Improv is not for everybody, and if you are really shy, then perhaps it is not the place to start your journey. Still, you need to do something to overcome your shyness and in this article I have other suggestions. How about Partner dancing course? or Cooking course? Or maybe greeting each person you pass by. Or go to a yoga class and just say hello to one or two girls in the class. If you don’t like yoga the try boxercise class? Somebody suggested that even walking a dog is a good activity for helping to meet new people.

  9. Hi John,
    I loved your article. There’s a lot of great advice here for shy guys. I think meeting people who enjoy the same things as you do, is the way to go.
    My son loves playing online games in his spare time and that’s how he met his now wife. Online! They started chatting online, then started texting and skyping. Then branched out to visit each other. He was in Canada, and her in the US. They fell in love and are now married.
    And it all started with online gaming. Who knew?! lol

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