Let’s face it: not everyone can naturally talk with girls.
I used to be one of those guys who were really, really shy and never got any girls to like me. Throughout the years, however, I got over it and learned how to effortlessly talk with girls and maintain conversations. So, I can testify that although we are not a naturally sociable person, we can actually learn about it.
Here, I will share some of the most actionable tips I’ve learned and used, and I personally believe that by the end of this, you can start to use them effectively and know How to talk with girls.
Let’s begin with the first one.
The Best Way To Approach – Projecting Your Alpha Male Traits
Before we can even initiate a conversation with any girls, we have to first approach them—assuming it’s a girl you’ve never talked to before—.
With that being said, how you approach a girl can either make or break your chance of hitting off a successful conversation. As the old saying goes, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression ”, and the first impression does count. If you approach her right, it can significantly boost her initial interest, which can obviously also boost the success rate of the conversation.
When approaching a girl, our advice is to implement what we call the 3-second rule. That is, make sure to approach the girl within three seconds after she’s noticed you. If you take longer than that, first, you’ll usually get more nervous (and it will take even longer or you might back off altogether), and second, she WILL notice your nervousness and might think you’re a creep instead.
If you can approach and say hi within these three seconds, you can strongly project confidence, an important trait of the alpha male.
Here are other tips that might help you project the alpha male traits
- Make sure you are well-groomed, clean, and smell well. No, you don’t have to wear all those expensive clothes and watches, but it’s important to be clean and dress properly.
- Connect with other people besides her, talk to other strangers, make small talks, this can also help in lowering your nervousness/anxiety
- If you can show a good sense of humor, even better, for example, if she can hear or see your interlocutors laugh with yo
- Also if you can, be seen as the social center of the room or at least your group. This might take practice
The next principle to pay attention to is to never approach a girl from behind. The ideal way is to approach her from the front at a slight angle—-so it’s not too direct—. Also, by maintaining an angle, you can speak over your shoulder to give the impression that you might walk away and not too interested.
That’s it, basically. There are only two rules in approaching a woman, and they are relatively easy to practice. Maintain amiability, warmth, and confidence in your initial approach, and keep a positive body language.
Now that we’ve learned about how we should approach a girl effectively, we can move on to the second step: the opener.
The Effective Opener – How To Be Irresistible
If above we’ve established about how approaching a girl is very important in establishing the first impression, we have to understand that there are two key aspects of the first impression itself: the approach, and the opener. We can think of these two as the bait and the hook: if the approach is bait, the perfect opener is how you hook their attention.
It’s always best not to overthink things and start with something simple like “hi!” or “hey” or even “hello” followed by a pause, simple openers can actually play with the girl’s expectation—you can think of this as sort of a reverse psychology tactic—.
Why? Because we tend to expect the first word to be meaningful, so the simple “hi” and the pause will instead capture their attention since they will be in anticipation of what your next words are going to be. In some cases, you can even use something nonverbal like raising your hand or even an inquisitive or funny expression. This can be effective, for example, in settings like a club or bar where there is a lot of noise.
After this “pre-opener”, we can move on to several different options for the actual opener, as we will discuss below.
First, however, remember that the objective of the opener is to capture the girl’s interest and should be more interesting than whatever she was discussing before it. The most effective opener should make you look cool without being annoying and/or should make the audience laugh.
1. Indirect Opener
The indirect opener is commonly used by beginners and is an opener that is designed so that it doesn’t automatically convey your interest in her—and thus won’t put too much pressure—. If you say something like “You’re pretty and I want to know you”, then it’s a (very) direct opener that will put a lot of pressure.
The objective of an indirect opener is to first capture the target’s attention before you can move to a more natural conversation. The idea is that most people won’t reject a conversation unless the initiator comes across as weird or creepy.
Now that we’ve understood the concept, here are some common indirect openers and how to use them best:
- “There’s a cute guy over there who’s perfect for you!”, designed to project her attention to the other guy so it’s less likely of getting rejected yourself.
- “I heard you guys are talking about me, why”, designed to convey confidence to a group of girls while also being funny (cocky and funny).
- “Are you super-shy or what?”, the idea is to put them on the spot slightly while delivering humor.
2. Situational Openers
The idea of the situational opener is for the conversation initiator to use something that is going around him. So, the opener will vary according to the situation. For example:
- “Nice place, isn’t it”
- “Nice weather”
- “Hey, do you see that guy that…..” according to the situation.
- “Would you wear that…”
Using a situational opener will require us to observe the surrounding situation, find something interesting, and communicate that interesting thing properly. This might require some experience, but situational openers can be the most effective and the most natural when used properly.
3. Opinion Openers
We can think of opinion openers as a subtype of indirect openers and is a great way to start a conversation under the guise of getting her answer/perspective on something interesting. Arguably opinion openers are the easiest to use especially in a quieter setting (i.e., a not too noisy bar).
In general, there are two different types of opinion openers: spontaneous and “rooted”. The spontaneous opener is possible when you have a wingman/wing woman or a friend around, so you are “reacting” to something the friend supposedly said and ask the girl for what they think.
A rooted opener, on the other hand, is when you tell them the reason you are asking (i.e. “hey, my mother is having her birthday, any ideas for a present?”). Here are some examples of opinion openers:
- “What kind of present should I get for…”, we’ve discussed how to root this opener above.
- “How soon should we date after a divorce/break up?”, girls generally dig relationship-related questions.
Direct openers are, simply put, the exact opposite of indirect openers, so you are directly conveying your interest in the girl. Direct openers, quite obviously, will require confidence, and you have to really believe what you say unless it will come off as weird or not genuine.
With a direct opener, if the girl doesn’t initially reject or respond negatively, the conversation can easily escalate.
Here are some examples of the direct opener.
- “I saw you and I knew immediately that If I didn’t talk to you tonight, I’d be kicking myself all day
- “Hey, I think you are beautiful, my name is….”, sometimes simplicity works best
The Conversation – How To Maintain Interest
After a successful opener, here is why you should move the conversation into a more natural direction. There are generally three main objectives here:
- Maintain and grow their interest in you
- Get to know her
- Close the deal, get her number or even better, go home with her
So, knowing how you can maintain attraction throughout the conversation is very important. The idea is to maintain the “balance” between you and the girl: if you are conversing with a rather shy girl, then you should be a little more proactive, and vice versa.
The idea is to keep here interested and to avoid making them feel weird or uncomfortable throughout the conversation. On the other hand, it’s important to maintain the balance so she wouldn’t feel that we are too aggressive, that might creep her out instead.
With that being said, here are some important principles to maintain:
1.Create Suspense To Increase Attraction
Creating and maintaining suspense is a way to keep her engaged so we won’t lose the attraction level throughout the conversation. Suspense, in a nutshell, is when we successfully combine excitement with uncertainty.
The main principle here is to give her just enough attention (and compliments if necessary) just to play with her interests—so she will think that you are interested in her—, but to ensure that she won’t be 100% certain about your level of interest. Our human brain is naturally wired to look for clarity and certainty, so as she becomes uncertain, she will naturally think more about you.
If, on the other hand, you give her one too many compliments, she will know that she can have you anytime she wants too and will kill the excitement for her.
2.Punishment and Reward: How To Give Compliments
Yes, we’ve just mentioned that you should be careful about giving compliments, or else it can ruin the suspense. However, you still need to sneak compliments here and there to create emotional connection.
It’s important to keep things smooth and always polite. No, even when things escalate quickly and the conversation is going well. You don’t really need to use innuendos to compliment her.
The idea here is to give compliments when it’s earned (a reward), relevant to the topic at hand, and on the other hand, playfully “punish” her when she deserved it. For example, if she made a bad joke, playfully cringe (but keep things polite), and do compliment her and laugh when it’s a good joke. No, her being pretty doesn’t deserve a reward, focus on what she does.
3.Match Her Investment
The idea here is to match her investment in the conversation. If, for example, she’s opening up about herself, then you can do so. On the other hand, if she’s not really opening up yet, then the same goes for you. Similarly, if she’s throwing a lot of jokes and compliments, you can do so.
Remember that there are two aspects of a conversation: talking and listening. Here it’s important to listen to what she’s saying, observe the situation properly, and match her investment. The same goes if the conversation is done over the text. Don’t text her all the time if she’s not replying often or quickly, so she won’t feel pressured.
Listen well, observe the situation and her interest level, and act accordingly.
4.No You Don’t Need To Always Be Funny and Interesting
A very common misconception made by many guys is to think that girls will only be interested in them when they are funny and if they can maintain an engaging conversation. This is especially true if you perceive yourself as average-looking or worse, ugly.
This can create the condition when you are trying too hard to be funny and interesting. Which, as you know, can backfire and might lead to awkward or uncomfortable conversations. In fact, a normal, natural conversation that makes her comfortable can be more valuable.
So, learn to control your desires: if there are opportunities when you can throw a funny joke, do so, but don’t force it. If it’s appropriate to throw compliments (look at the punishment and reward principle above), do so. If it’s the time for a serious conversation, then be serious and natural.
5.Avoid Being Reactive and Don’t Try To Please
It’s important to understand that when girls nag or complain, they often do it as a subconscious behavior because she is actually interested in you, and quite often that it’s actually a test.
That is, if you react to the complaint and try to please her, it will be seen as a weakness and will often be a turn off for her. For example, they might complain about your haircut, your fashion choices, and even something more serious like your job or where you go to school.
In such cases, showing her that you are non-reactive, that you are confident with yourself and especially that her complaints/opinions don’t affect you negatively can be the most attractive thing to do. You can, for example, play along with her opinion as a joke and laugh it off. Don’t be reactive, and don’t try to please.
Topics To Talk About – Create and Maintain Spark
Naturally, every woman is going to have different preferences, and a lot of the times, the situation around you would dictate the direction of the conversation.
The first thing to remember is to avoid talking about boring things. No, unless she’s a gamer herself, she’d probably not interested in hearing about the latest games. Also, in general, avoid talking about negative things, even if it’s currently trending (death of famous people, etc.) unless she’s the one who brought it up.
However, below are some of the most effective and natural topics you can’t really go wrong with, and you can use them to branch into new topics if necessary.
The most common topics, and often the most effective, are those related to her hobbies or interests: favorite movies or books, the music they often listened too, etc. The main idea here is for you to find out about what does she like and find out whether you have anything in common (which can branch out to another topic altogether). Hobbies are often a very significant part of who we are as a person, so naturally, conversations about hobbies and interests tend to be upbeat with positive vibes.
If for example, you figured out that you both have hobbies in common, you can plan something together (setting up a nice date). If not, you can ask her to try your hobby or you might want to give something new a try. Remember not to try to please her, keep it natural.
2.Family and Origin
Family is a very effective topic that can usually fill up an entire conversation. All of us have a unique family history, and this alone can open up the opportunity to allow plenty of things to talk about. Obviously, this will also be a great chance for you to learn more about who she is and where she came from.
You can start by asking something simple like whether she has any sibling and how she gets along with them (or her parents), where she came from, how often she sees her family, and so on. You can also talk about yours especially if you have interesting family facts or history.
This topic especially works well if she likes to travel (and today, a lot of us do). Talk about exotic places you’ve been to (or she’s been to), beautiful beaches, and other places. Talking about unique traveling experiences can be an interesting conversation on its own. If you can make her talk about her positive traveling experiences, it can effectively boost her mood and turn the conversation into an uplifting vibe.
4.Goals and Dreams
Talking about the future can be a great and fun topic if you present it right. The idea is not to make it sound like a job interview and not to pressure her. So, make things fun. Ask something like “hey, any cool plans for the future?” instead of something like “where do you see yourself in five years?”.
Discussing her goals and dreams might also branch into other topics like how she views life, her thoughts about the world, and so on. Keep things light, but you can always go deep while maintaining fun.
5.Work or School
A pretty simple and obvious topic is to ask about whether she’s still in school/college or currently working, what is she majoring in, whether she loves her job, and so on. This, however, can be a boring topic quickly especially if she doesn’t actually like what she currently does. Read the situation quickly, and use this topic as a bridge to the next topic if necessary.
These topics we have discussed above are relatively light to start things off, and the main idea is that most girls generally have something to say about it. They are great topics to find out about herself, her personality, and her interests, and once you’ve started talking comfortably, you can move deeper and escalate the conversation from there.
If you’ve run out of things to say, you can always move to another of these five topics to “restart”.
Her and Your Body Language – Adjust The Conversation In RealTime
Reading her body language throughout the conversation is an important thing to pay attention to, but at the same time, it might require the right knowledge and practice before you can accurately and quickly perceive other people’s body language.
Also, as we have established above, the first impression is very important, and it only takes a woman four to eight seconds to determine whether she’s interested. Your body language is a very important aspect to program
her perception of yourself as a trustworthy and interesting person instead of being perceived as a weirdo.
93% of communication is nonverbal, and around 60-80% of it is about your body language. So, there are two aspects to talk about here: how to present the right, confident body language throughout the conversation, and how to perceive her body language right so you can adjust the direction of the conversation if necessary.
1.The Alpha Male Body Language
How To Walk With Confidence
How you walk can significantly make an impression on people. Walk slowly and don’t rush, take balanced steps, and show that you are not afraid of entering a new situation. The good news is that correcting how you walk shouldn’t take long. In general, take medium-sized steps around shoulder-length. Small steps might be seen as feminine or weakness, and huge steps can imply that you are awkward. Look around the room and smile appropriately.
How To Maintain Eye Contact
Your eyes can be an extremely important aspect of your overall body language. The main principle is to always look directly into people’s eyes. This can be awkward and difficult if you’re not used to it, but practice makes perfect. Remember, however, that if you’re afraid or anxious about something, it will show on your eyes. So, let fo of your worries and focus on the conversation at hand.
How To Sit With Confidence
Sit straight but comfortably, the idea is to expose your chest and torso (without faking it) to show that you are confident and not afraid of confrontation. You can bend one of your legs at the knee and rest your ankle on the other leg. Don’t “close” your posture with your hands. You can, for example, pt your hand on the back of a chair where you are sitting on.
2.Women Body Language You Should Perceive
Here are some important female body languages you need to be aware of:
- Her Eyes: eyes are the window to the soul. The girl’s eyes dilate when she feels excited or interested in something—-no it’s not always sexual—. The irony is, men are also naturally more attracted to girls with bigger pupils, so it’s a win-win. Also, if she maintains eye contact, it’s a good sign that she’s interested in knowing more about you.
- Breath: shallow breath that is centralized in her chest is a sign about stress or discomfort, while deeper breath where both the stomach and chest expand is a sign of comfort and feeling relaxed
- Lips: focus your attention on her lips and try to detect micro-expressions. For example, small twitches might be a sign of contempt.
- Feet: check whether her feet point toward or away from you. At the same time, make sure to angle both of your feet towards her.
- Laugh: this one is fairly obvious. If she smiles or laughs naturally, it’s a clear indicator of a successful conversation.
It’s definitely possible to get better in talking to girls with time, but it will require practice. There are plenty of potential places from traditional ones like the gym or bar to uncommon ones like fundraising where you can practice making conversations with more people.
Remember that you don’t need to always practice with (attractive) girls. You can start talking with less intimidating prospects from other guys, the elderly, random strangers you’re not intimidated to. So keep on improving your skills with women.
I hope you enjoyed reading this and if you want to take your dating skills to a higher level and learn even more about how to meet, date, attract women and understand the female psychology and the psychology behind attraction then click the link below!