“Why am I so shy around her?” This is a question many guys ask themselves- even those who are not necessarily considered shy by those around them. In this article we are going to talk about being nervous around a specific girl you may have a crush on. We also are going to talk about being shy around attractive woman in general.
What actually happens when we “fall in love”
When we feel attracted to someone, our dopamine levels- a hormone that makes you feel good- increase. This is followed by increases of other hormones called vasopressin, testosterone and adrenaline. In addition, our serotonin levels decrease, causing us to become more obsessive. These chemical changes in your body boost your desire, cause you to focus on your crush, makes you blush, give you sweaty palms and raise your heart rate. Moreover, you also become more energetic, suppress your hunger and have less need for sleep.
One psychological thing we do when we are “in love” is projecting. We project our imagination about the girl we are in love with. Sometimes this means we are not in love with a particular girl, rather instead we are in love with the idea about being in love with her. We see things about her that are not really based in reality, and are in fact just driven by our imagination. This happens particularly if we become obsessed with someone.
Of course this is not always the case. I’m not trying to paint a dark view on love, but sometimes shy men tend to invest too much too soon in one particular woman who they might not even know. This happens more for younger and unexperienced shy guys. As people age, they usually learn that this pattern is not something worth repeating.
Don’t be too obsessed in one girl
When shy guys “fall in love” with the idealized version of a woman, they usually pick a girl and start to obsess about her in their head. It might be some girl they haven’t even talked to or maybe somebody they barely know. It really does not serve you well to be too invested in one girl too early. It is not good for you to just replay fantasies in your head about her without really knowing what she is really like.
All this obsessing just builds a false and unrealistic picture of her in your mind, and because it makes you so emotionally invested in her, when you are around her you will be so paralyzed by fear that you won’t be able to talk to her. The solution is to talk, meet and socialize with many girls. Learn to know them, how they really are, not how you think they are. Try avoiding thinking too much about one specific girl before you really know her because it just makes it harder for you to talk with her.
Thinking about a girl too much creates too much expectation and pressure. Of course if you feel that you have met the most amazing, incredible and stunning women on Earth, it’s not easy to just stop thinking about her, but if your dating life is not progressing, you will need to try a different approach.
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Talk to many women
The best way to not be over-invested in a girl is to get into the habit of talking and socializing with many women. In order to do this, you have to find places where you can meet women. For example, start internet dating, go to speed dating events or just hang around in places where there are women. You can read in my other posts about places where it’s easy to meet and talk with women. I recommend you to read this post: Practicing your social skills
The key to being less nervous around women is to practice talking with them on a regular basis. Therefore, try to get an active life style where you improve your social skills and meet new people. There are so many beautiful women out there, and being fixated on one just makes your dating life harder than it has to be.
Go out to do something fun, meet new people and talk with many girls. And when you talk to them, don’t worry about saying the perfect thing- just say something to keep the conversation going. To avoid getting too nervous, you can try to come up with some topics in advance.
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Don’t put her on a pedestal
Don’t value her more than yourself. Just because somebody is good looking, it doesn’t make them better than you. Shy guys often feel that they are inferior to others, especially to good-looking women. You probably are less shy around women you don’t perceive as attractive. If you find all this to be true, then for some reason you are not valuing your self enough. You have to focus on your own worth.
You need to build self-respect and a higher level of self-worth. Maybe reading personal development books and attending seminars will help you with that. Training, dieting and taking care of yourself will help you develop a higher level of self-esteem, as well as finding things that inspire you in life.
You need to remember and understand that even good-looking women are still just humans and still have to deal with the same challenges and shortcomings that everyone has to.
Additionally, you will need to work on your confidence and start challenging yourself. Getting out of your comfort zone and talking more with the opposite sex will make socializing with women easier with time.
We have learned that you should avoid developing a crush on a girl without really knowing her. Firstly, you need to understand that you are obsessing about an idealized version of a woman, and the fact that you don’t even know her means that there really are no connection to build upon between you. The solution is to socialize with many girls- without having any sort agenda for doing so- before one of them really starts to show actual signs of interest on you.
It’s good for you to have a social life with interesting hobbies where you meet new people, including women. Think about something that inspires you- is it something where you meet new people? If not, then you need to try different things.
We have also been talking about being shy generally around women. Here we need to understand that this is a problem with our own self-worth and confidence. Feeling inferior to beautiful women is a major cause of shyness. You need to work to build up your self-esteem.
I hope you have some ideas about how to be less shy around women and willing to share them. Please leave a comment below.
Recommended reading: What is The Shyness and Social Anxiety System?